THE CODE
WE REFUSE
TO FOLLOW.

IT'S US.

This is going to make some parents uncomfortable. It should. Before we talk about the referees, the coaches, the other team's players or the leagues that govern youth hockey, I want every parent reading this to ask one question: Who am I when things don't go my child's way?

Paying the tuition bill does not give you ownership of the rink. Driving three hours does not give you permission to berate a fifteen-year-old official. Buying expensive equipment does not make you better than another parent. Those sacrifices make you a committed parent, but they do not make you exempt from decent behavior. You can be frustrated. You can disagree. You can even be furious about a missed call. You still have to control yourself.

Bad calls happen. Bad officiating happens. Hard play, missed assignments, questionable penalties, unfair results: all of it happens. That's sports. What should not happen is a grown adult making the entire arena miserable because they believe their opinion deserves to be heard over everyone else's. Other families paid to be there too. They came to watch children play hockey, not to endure you.

Your child is learning more from the way you behave in those moments than from anything you say in the car afterward.

The recent videos in this article are not here for laughs, clicks or to turn minors into public targets. They're here because adults need to see what this culture looks like from the outside. The video belongs to its credited original publisher; the children involved are not identified here.

THE PARENT IN THE MIRROR

WHO ARE YOU WHEN NOBODY AGREES WITH YOU?

That's what I want you to think about. Not how good you are at paying invoices. Not how many practices you attend. Not the sacrifices you make. Think about the person your child sees when another kid knocks them down, when their team is losing or when a referee makes a terrible call. Are you calm? Are you fair? Are you the adult you want your child to become?

Or do you become a person who has to have the last word, who has to put somebody else down, who is so convinced of being right that an entire section of spectators has to listen to it?

When your mouth starts going, everyone else pays the price. Other parents get uncomfortable. Kids get embarrassed. Coaches lose their authority. Young officials wonder whether working another game is worth it. That isn't protecting your child. It's stealing the game from everybody else's.

You can love your child more than anything in the world and still be the adult ruining their experience.

And if a fight or an ugly penalty happens on the ice, don't start yelling at somebody else's kid. You are not the referee. You are not the coach. Let the officials stop play, let the coaches get the players separated, and let the people responsible handle it. If it was your child who crossed the line, talk with them when they're safely off the ice. Have the hard conversation in the car or at home. Don't create another incident from the stands.

THE THINGS CHILDREN ABSORB

YOUR CHILD IS PAYING ATTENTION.

Children notice when parents excuse their own anger. They notice when adults say an opponent deserved a cheap shot. They notice when a parent calls a referee names, then demands respect from the same child five minutes later. A child eventually has to decide whether the rule is the one printed in the handbook or the one demonstrated in the bleachers.

I'm not suggesting every young player who loses control has a badly behaved parent. Children have different temperaments and challenges, and their actions can be influenced by teammates, school, stress or other circumstances we cannot see. But parents are one of the strongest examples they encounter. It is our responsibility to look at the environment we're creating before we point at everybody else.

We cannot scream at the world for being unfair and then wonder why our children struggle to accept an unfair moment.

YOUR SACRIFICE IS NOT A LICENSE TO BE A JERK.

Youth hockey can swallow a family's time and money. I understand exactly why people become invested. But a parent who drives four hours to a game is still responsible for what comes out of their mouth. A referee's poor judgment does not cancel out your obligation to show good judgment. A bad penalty cannot take away your character unless you surrender it yourself.

There is a difference between being your child's advocate and being an unbearable presence for everyone else. One protects a child. The other teaches entitlement. Kids learn from the standards we actually live by, not from the standards we type into a registration form. They see when adults insult opponents, applaud revenge, or mock officials who are barely older than the players.

Ask yourself this: If my son or daughter spoke to someone the way I speak from the stands, would I be proud?

ACCOUNTABILITY IS NOT AN ACCUSATION

“HE'S NEVER DONE THAT BEFORE.”

Maybe he hasn't. Maybe the people closest to a player truly did not see a warning sign. But those words are not an answer when another child has just been seriously endangered. They should be the beginning of some difficult questions.

Has there been fighting, bullying, excessive aggression or escalating frustration in other parts of this child's life? Has a coach noticed a pattern? Is a child struggling at school or with something else that deserves support? What are the adults reinforcing when a player loses control? Nobody can answer those questions from a video clip, and nobody has the right to diagnose a child or assume abuse based on one incident. The appropriate adults must investigate, listen and act.

I am not asking anyone to give up on kids. I am asking them to stop treating a serious act of violence as though youth automatically cancels responsibility. A child who cannot safely control a dangerous impulse may need time away from competition, guidance and a carefully supervised path back. The child who was struck should not have to carry the risk while everyone waits to see if it happens again.

A second chance is not a free pass. It is something that comes with responsibility, change and proof that safety comes first.

THIS IS NOT JUST A 2026 PROBLEM

WHEN THE ADULTS JOIN THE FIGHT.

In November 2021, a youth hockey game in Tewksbury, Massachusetts, ended in a brawl involving players and adults. CBS Boston reported that parents entered through a rink door as the on-ice incident unfolded. Massachusetts Hockey confirmed that four adults were suspended, and the organization imposed additional discipline after its review. Watch CBS Boston's original coverage and video

Think about the absurdity. The young players lose their composure, and instead of being the adults who restore it, spectators make themselves part of the fight. What are children supposed to learn from that? When a skirmish starts, it is the officials' and coaches' responsibility to separate players, with rink staff or authorities responding to any serious safety threat. A parent charging into the situation is not displaying courage. An adult is supposed to be bigger than the moment.

COACHES ARE NOT EXEMPT.

Coaches have a greater obligation than winning. If you tolerate a player targeting opponents, intimidate young officials, ignore bullying or teach a team to get even instead of showing discipline, you are failing children. Your influence doesn't end at the bench. Players carry your example with them. You should be held accountable for the culture you create, especially when that culture encourages conduct you would never tolerate directed at your own child.

Massachusetts Hockey has previously announced serious disciplinary actions involving a coach and spectators. These are not powers that need to be invented. Read Massachusetts Hockey's documented disciplinary announcement

THE RULES ALREADY EXIST.

USA Hockey and Massachusetts Hockey have rules. Massachusetts Hockey has a parent-spectator reporting process and has publicly imposed substantial discipline in serious cases. I'm not going to pretend those protections don't exist. My question is whether the rules are enforced strongly, promptly and consistently enough, particularly when a well-connected parent, a popular coach or a talented player is involved. That is the standard these organizations should be challenged to meet.

If an adult threatens a referee, remove them. If they come back and do it again, longer bans are entirely appropriate. If a coach encourages dangerous behavior, investigate and suspend that coach when warranted. My position on a confirmed, intentional stick strike to the head is stricter: I believe a year away from competitive hockey can be an appropriate penalty. A repeat, deliberate act that seriously endangers another child should open the door to long-term or permanent exclusion. Those outcomes require evidence, a fair hearing and consideration of the child's age and circumstances. A return to play cannot be automatic simply because a season is ending.

We expect children to keep their emotions under control while adults in the stands cannot stop shouting. We demand respect for officials and then humiliate young referees in front of their peers. Some of these officials are teenagers. They are somebody's children, too. You can report officiating concerns through proper channels. You cannot bully a kid into becoming a better referee.

IF YOU'RE OFFENDED, LOOK IN THE MIRROR.

I am a hockey parent. I have opinions. I feel it when my child gets knocked down or a call goes against him. That doesn't make me special. It means I have the same obligation as everyone else to stop and ask whether my reaction is helping my child or just feeding my own emotions. Sometimes the hardest part of parenting is realizing that our children aren't the ones who need to calm down. We are.

You cannot spend a game shouting at strangers and then lecture your child about sportsmanship on the drive home. You cannot model intimidation and expect compassion to appear by magic. When your child does something wrong, correct it privately, seriously and with care. Don't defend the indefensible because you're embarrassed. Don't make excuses because the player wearing your family name is involved. Being a good parent does not mean shielding a child from every consequence. It means caring enough to teach them why consequences exist.

A MESSAGE FOR LEAGUES AND RINK OWNERS

BEING BANNED SHOULD BE A WAKE-UP CALL.

I've spoken with people involved in the EHF, the E9 and the Valley League about parent behavior and the very real consequences that can follow it. Adults losing rink privileges should not be treated like a remarkable exception or an inside joke. It should force us to ask how we let a children's game reach that point.

I believe there should be a clear, enforceable progression of consequences for parents who abuse officials, threaten families or repeatedly create hostile environments. Remove them. Document it. Restrict their attendance when warranted. Make the rules meaningful across programs where governing policies and due process permit. A rink should never be held hostage by someone who believes purchasing a season gives them authority over everyone else.

I also want the organizations in charge to treat a report seriously even when the accused person is influential, the family has been around forever or the player helps a team win. Real integrity means enforcing the standard when it is inconvenient.

If your actions would embarrass you in front of your child outside the rink, why are they suddenly acceptable inside it?

THE COST OF PARENTAL MISCONDUCT

YOUR BEHAVIOR CAN COST YOUR KID THE GAME.

This isn't a made-up consequence. The Valley Hockey League's published rules say that a parent's improper behavior can cause the parent's child to be suspended. The league also provides for coach suspensions and, in some circumstances, permanent suspension of repeat offenders. Read Valley Hockey League's official rules

Imagine being the child who loses the chance to play because the adult in the stands couldn't control themselves.

You can argue about whether every penalty for a parent's conduct should fall on the child. I think that's a legitimate conversation. But the very existence of that rule should force parents to confront an ugly possibility: you're not just embarrassing your child. You may be the reason your child isn't allowed to play.